My poor, confused farm animals. Part 2

5 long weeks ago we added 2 itty bitty baby pgymy goats to our little farm family.  They were just 1 week old at the time and standing on their tippy hooves reached as high as my mid calf.  They both comfortably fit in my cat carrier with room to move, yes they melted hearts.  At home, I had bottles ready, an area in our media room set up for their comfort and eager children waiting to love on the little sweet critters.
Little did I know the living nightmare that would begin.
This is what I have since learned about baby goats from wiser, more experienced goat owners:
"With goat kids, you have livestock and you have dead stock.  It's 50/50 which way they'll go." From the owner of our local feed supply store and dairy farmer.  At the time I thought that was a terribly mean thing to say. I also thought it was funny.  I have since learned it is completely accurate and not at all funny.  Sigh.
"It don't matter what kind of milk replacer you give them, you'll wake up one morning and might find one of 'em dead anyway. You never know with goat kids." The cashier at another local feed supply store.
And my favorite, which seems to sum up my experience over the last 5 weeks:
"Baby goats are born wanting to die." From a local homeschool mom and experienced goat owner.
Here is a quick recap of what I have learned and have done in the last 5 weeks:
-Bottle fed every 2-3 hours goats that did not want to be fed.
Step 1: Pry open little mouth. 
Step 2: Insert Nipple.
Step 3: Little goat chews on nipple in disgust then spits it out.
Step 4: Milk spills all over me. 
Step 5: Repeat.
-Learn to tube little goats because of the above scenario. I will spare you the details.
-Give shots of antibiotics to little goats that had pneumonia.  I have never given shots to anything in my life.  Step 1: Find safe spot to hide shots so human kids cannot access them.
Step 2: Take lid off shot.
Step 3: Hyperventilate about giving shot. 
Step 4: Hold little goat tightly against my body. This freaks goat out.
Step 5: Insert needle, goat screams one of the saddest sounds I have ever heard.  I freak out and drop needle.  I freak out again and wonder if it is OK to re-insert the needle since it has already been iserted once.
Step 6: Repeat but keep needle in goat, I scream along with the goat.  Put goat down, put lid back on shot.  Wrap shot up in lots of paper towels, put it in large trash container outside and freak out wondering if that is against the law. 
Step 7:  Watch little goat for next 1/2 hour, freaking out that I hit a vital organ and it is going to die.
Step 8:  Freak out that maybe I didn't even get the shot in the skin, that maybe the needle went through one side of the skin and out the other.
-Give shots of steroids to little goats because their back legs stopped working due to some joint issue.  Repeat of above scenario.  Only this time, I managed to give part of the shot to myself.  Great, I now have goat antibiotics and steroids in me.
-Give eye drops to little goat 4 times a day for an ulcer that developed in its eye and caused it to go blind. 
I think it is safe to say at this point my little goats are not organic goats.
After 6 vet visits, 2 terrible nights with one of the goats on my lap in a heating blanket with me tubing it and doing everything else I had learned over the previous weeks it finally had a seizure and died.  Not good times, not at all.
Now, we have one little goat left that is doing great.  Of course, we are so paranoid of anything happening to her that we watch her constantly and have unfortunately pampered her a bit too much.  That leads me to my current problem. 
The goat does not realize she is a goat.  She thinks she is a human.  How do I know this?  Well, she is 6 weeks old and at this point should be eating alfalfa, eating goat food and transitioning to being outside with the other animals. 
Not happening.
The goat is addicted to her bottle and refuses to ingest anything other than her precious milk.  Yes, we have a goat that won't eat like a goat!  No weeds for her, no yummy shirt sleeves, no carrot tops or cheerio treats.  We have tried introducing her to the other goats so they can teach her how to be a goat.  The only thing that has accomplished is the baby goat running up to them, jumping off their backs like they are some sort of wall trampoline and when she becomes bored with them or they get annoyed enough with her and  head butt her out of the way she screams for us to come get her. 
I have tried watering down her milk.  She is OK with that but only asks for more.  I have turned off the space heater that I have been using to keep her warm at night  (don't judge me).  I have stopped letting her follow me around the house (again, don't judge me). 
Admittedly, I have no idea how to wean anything from a bottle.  My human babies didn't get bottles so this is all new to me.  Plus, my human babies nursed for a lot longer than the average American human baby nurses so I am prone to allowing a natural led weaning thing happen.  The problem here is that I don't have a wet nurse for the goat and I am on my last gallon of raw goat milk. When it is gone, there is no more milk for the goat.  I don't want to give it a formula so it needs to figure out how to eat some hay and goat food fast.
I have gone online to find out what other people do to get their baby goats outside and here are my solutions from which to choose:
1.  Get another goat:  Note the 6 vet visits above.  Any money we might have had for another goat is with the vet.  Plus, we have 2 goats. The online advice is to get another baby goat.  Oh hahahaha.  NO.
2.  Make a jacket for her out of an old sweatshirt so she will be warm at night.  Um, what is it with internet people wanting me to put clothing on my farm animals?  With the exception of horse blankets, I have never seen farm animals wearing clothes.  Am I missing something?
3.  Keep her in the house until she is much older.  No, she is getting bigger and can jump on the table in a single leap.  I don't allow my human kids on the table, why would I allow a goat kid on the table?  Plus, she smells like a goat!  I am ready for the goat to go outside where she belongs.
OK, need some real advice here!

My poor, confused farm animals. Part 1

Remember the little white duckling that my dear husband brought home so many months ago? I searched until I found its soul mate in the form of a beautiful black duckling.  The two were meant for each other and are attached at the hip.  We  assumed that the black duck was the male because the nice woman at the duck store told us that his quack was deep and that meant he was a male. The white duck seemed to quack in a higher pitch so we have assumed that she was the female.  We were wrong. 
OK, do you also remember how the little white duckling was confused when she was a sweet little fluffy thing and thought she was a chicken?  Of course you do, my dear husband had to sing to her his version of "you're not a chicken, you're a duck."  Well, we thought she understood her place in the world after his song.  We were wrong.
It turns out that our sweet little duckling is actually the male (we still don't know what the black duck is, we do know he is a duck but as to his gender...that is still questionable).  How do we know the little white duck is a male?  Well, he has taking a liking to the hens. That's right, he prefers the cute chickens over his duck mate. I found this out while I was eating lunch a few days ago.  There I sat, enjoying my lunch and watching the serenity of the farm life.  Next thing I knew, the chickens started squawking, the goats were running around looking like they were on high alert for a predator, the pig made her usual high pitched squeal that I am sure will break glass some day.  As I watched, one of our poor hens was being "loved on" by that white duck.  For those of you who have ever seen ducks mate, you know how brutal it looks, it looks even more brutal when it is happening between a duck and a chicken.  Alarmed, I immediately ran to the internet to find out why my duck would take a fancy to the hens.
Of course, the internet is never a source of good news.  I found out that with their different anatomy, my poor hens could die if I let the behavior continue.  I now have 3 options:
1.  Get a rooster.  Apparently, the rooster will show the duck who is boss and keep the barnyard species in order.  Cons: I will have a rooster.
2.  Separate the ducks from the rest of the animals.  Cons: I don't have anywhere else to put the ducks. I tried putting them in the garden after witnessing the first assault but they quickly escaped.  They have since been locked up in their coop but that is not a permanent solution.
3.  According to my internet sources there are little apron type clothes I can make for the hens that will prevent the duck from doing any damage.  Cons: My chickens will be wearing clothes.
Surely there must be another solution that my city brain cannot find.  Please someone, somewhere give me the answer!